This is Timber

This is Timber. 

Isn't he adorable? He's a 7 year old, 10 lb papillon. This is the most accurate description of a papillon I could find:

When I picked him out at the breeder, I did a puppy personality test and chose him to be a future therapy dog. I had plans to train him and take him to nursing homes to cheer up residents. Who wouldn't want to pet that AMAAAAZING soft fur?! Well, little did I know that he would become MY therapy dog. He is licensed through the Alliance of Therapy Dogs organization. We're a team! But, I've been too scared to go to the nursing home, until now. How ridiculous is that?!

A local nursing and memory care facility is excited about having us come for regular visits. I have to admit that this is causing anxiety. But, what better way to go out and talk to people than with my little muffin that brings me so much love and peace? I'll keep you updated on how it goes. Here's Timber & me right outside after our first meet and greet with the staff.

He has the BEST ears! 

Update: I talked to my new doc about my anxiety. They are putting together a referral for some form of therapy that should give me tools in my pocket. I can't remember what she called it, but it was a good first step since I do not want to jump right to medication.

Bully's 'Potential List'

Everyone I know has potential, but not the kind that most people think. Bully (my anxiety voice) likes to remind me that everyone I know has potential to be disappointed by me. And all the potential disappointment and real disappointments pile up on me weighing me down.

Bully then counts them for me one by one:

1. Your mom is so disappointed in you she hasn't talked to you it over 2 years and can't bear to say why. You should list all the potential reasons why, for the 578th time.
2. Your son just stormed out of the room because you cancelled plans because of me. Why did you let me win, again?! How many times is that now?
3. Your daughter must be disappointed in you because she's snapping at her brother for no reason. What did you do this time to disappoint her?
4. Your husband is disappointed because you can't evict me and I kept you up all night, again! That is how many times now?
5. In a turn of irony, your volunteering organization leader just learned that you are disappointed in HIS lack of leadership and you should have kept your mouth shut, now what are you going to do?! He's going to be so disappointed in your lack of loyalty. Dissect your future conversation over and over until you have fixed it.
6. You possibly misspoke to a friend yesterday and they probably took it wrong. Now they don't want to talk to you, do they? Nice job. Why do you even try to talk to your friends? What EXACTLY did you say, again? 
7. Your bff and your husband both told you that you have potentially healing words for your family member? Ha! After reading them your carefully written words, they cried. Why did you believe your BFF and husband?! You couldn't just forgive and forget?! Who do you think you are? There are a million things you should have said instead. What are they?! Let's LIST THEM ALL!!
8. You know that friend you haven't talked to in 10 years? Well her beautiful daughter is dying of a rare disease and you didn't even know! You better reach out to her and ask for forgiveness for losing touch. Read every one of her daughter's instagram posts and feel her pain. You deserve it.
9. Your doTERRA friend wants to help you build your business again, but you can't even talk to people without dwelling on it for days. How are you supposed to share or invite them to classes if you can't even talk to them correctly?! How many missed opportunities have you had already? LET'S COUNT THEM!!!

I know that I can't please everyone. That's firm knowledge in my head. I'm okay with it logically. But then Bully steps in, and tells me that I shouldn't be. Bully's list changes all day. Some items are always there, but many pop off and pop on depending on how much anxiety I'm feeling. If the list is short, I can usually keep it that way. But, once Bully gets access to the list, items get added faster than I can ever imagine, my head spins and I start to panic.

How do I take away Bully's power to add to this list?

Meet Bully

Once I finally told someone about it, I gave my anxiety a name, and now it's taking on a life of its own.

I've been able to squash it, tuck it away for months, even years. Looking back I can see it's teeth in my peripheral vision, lingering in the shadows. When it would emerge, it was hard to ignore, but with enough convincing I could make it cower. It's like a bully from school, if I ignored it long enough it would get frustrated and leave.

I'm a strong, educated, adventurous woman. Ridiculous fears aren't allowed. But the bully is starting to win more and more fights. It keeps reminding me of that fact, too. So, since it's taken up residency in my mind, it might as well have a name.

It's gotten to a point that I recently admitted to my best friend about Bully. She came over for some much needed girl time, and I couldn't explain any of my life without explaining that I have to first placate Bully, now. Hoping to embarrass Bully into hiding, I told her about it. But, Bully is now named, and it is now growing too big for my mind to ignore. It won't let me sleep, or be alone without telling me things I don't want to hear. If I try to let my brain rest at all, Bully grabs a hold of it and twists my thoughts. My mind feels like someone wringing out a towel; twisting and twisting while all the peaceful thoughts drip out. It's painful.

It's 3 am and there's no hope of sleep for tonight. Maybe exhaustion will overtake Bully and I can squeeze in a nap around lunch. One thing I'm finally sure about: It's about time to evict Bully - it's time to make some calls.