Meet Bully

Once I finally told someone about it, I gave my anxiety a name, and now it's taking on a life of its own.

I've been able to squash it, tuck it away for months, even years. Looking back I can see it's teeth in my peripheral vision, lingering in the shadows. When it would emerge, it was hard to ignore, but with enough convincing I could make it cower. It's like a bully from school, if I ignored it long enough it would get frustrated and leave.

I'm a strong, educated, adventurous woman. Ridiculous fears aren't allowed. But the bully is starting to win more and more fights. It keeps reminding me of that fact, too. So, since it's taken up residency in my mind, it might as well have a name.

It's gotten to a point that I recently admitted to my best friend about Bully. She came over for some much needed girl time, and I couldn't explain any of my life without explaining that I have to first placate Bully, now. Hoping to embarrass Bully into hiding, I told her about it. But, Bully is now named, and it is now growing too big for my mind to ignore. It won't let me sleep, or be alone without telling me things I don't want to hear. If I try to let my brain rest at all, Bully grabs a hold of it and twists my thoughts. My mind feels like someone wringing out a towel; twisting and twisting while all the peaceful thoughts drip out. It's painful.

It's 3 am and there's no hope of sleep for tonight. Maybe exhaustion will overtake Bully and I can squeeze in a nap around lunch. One thing I'm finally sure about: It's about time to evict Bully - it's time to make some calls.